mother's day

i woke up today thinking this will be a special day. although we had no specific plans, i had plans to treating my mom out. i planned to bring my mom and siblings to market market. it has been a long time since we last went out as a family (weekend family meaning without my dad).

but as luck would have it, i woke up late. not just late but REALLY late. like 11am. nothing new here except that when i got downstairs, i found out that mom had gone out and nobody knew where she went. uh oh. not again. flashback mother's day 2005 when she locked herself up in the master's bedroom and wouldn't come out even for meals.

why did i not foresee this happening?

dad texted us asking if we have greeted her. i replied informing him that i slipped a card under their door the night before since i know she wakes up earlier than i do. (btw, i found a letter in our mailbox from our cousins who lived next door. they are so sweet.)

my ninang came over to ask about her. she knows this has happened in the past. she told us that she is not really taking sides. she understands both parties and she is there to make us see the other side. she gave 2 major points. one, she has no career. she gave up her professional life as a doctor so that she can take care of all five of us. second, growing old has made her sensitive. like expecting surprises just as her friend's children have done for them. or thinking that we don't eat dinner at home because we don't like how she cooks.

there is no question that what she did was very noble and selfless. i can only imagine how i would feel if i see my friends and see how they have become successful in their careers and have enough financial capability to do what they want without worrying if they have enough money after spending it on a whim or thinking a lot of what ifs. we are not a rich family. we are not poor either. she really is doing a great job budgeting the money we have even if it mean being really stingy and practical to the point that people wonder why we are being so cheap when we can really afford it. (this i think i have inherited from her along with having topak days).

it is true. we don't get to express how we appreciate all her efforts. i know i don't. i should have told her many times how i can be so picky with food, as witnessed by other people, because i prefer her cooking. but i am trying to adjust to other people's cooking because it is the mature thing to do because i can't always live with you and the only way to do that is to not eat at home. or because if i don't eat until i get home i may not be able to get home because i would have fainted from starvation from doing too much OT at work.

i know she just wants to make her point on this day. i cannot blame her for doing this. but may i say that it is not healthy. yes, most of us are mature in age, but we also do not deserve this. it is not fair to make us suffer psychologically and emotionally like this. i do not know what you want me to do.

i just want to say that i am sorry. for the things i have done which i shouldn't and for the things i did not do which i should. for hurtful words that were said but were not meant. i am sorry because i don't really know what to do. or sometimes i do but i just don't because i find it hard to do.

i just wish that you can tell me what it is that you want or expect from us, without any bitterness or anger. and at that time, i also wish that we can also tell you the same. and both of us will accept each other's words if not with genuine understanding at least with an effort to see what is on the other side. if you haven't noticed, i have been trying to change, for more than a year now as part of my commitment to be a better person not just for myself but because it is what you have taught me.

for now, i will just be contented by writing this entry.

happy mother's day to you.