get me out of this concentration camp!

i just can't believe it!?! i'm almost out of hell. (cue: evil laugh) and yet here i am still suffering, on a Sunday, frantically typing and editing the annual report for the year that has passed. what a waste of excellent time for couch potato activities! tsk tsk.

i have mixed feelings as of the moment. don't know whether i should be jumping for joy or crying my heart out. tomorrow is my last day at work. i absolutely loOove the work that i have been doing for the past year! nothing can compare to the fulfillment i get, knowing that i am making a difference in somebody's life.

but sometimes it isn't enough. i have to be practical. you can't always get or do what we want. we live in a oppressive capitalist world after all. plus there are other factors to consider. i have only been working for less than two years. i've been sheltered all my life from the realities of the world. what do i know about what i want in life?

I don’t know. nobody ever asked my opinion and i never insisted on sharing them. why? after analyzing theories on how my mind operates, i have come to several possible scenarios:

1. i was raised to be mute. following the patriarchal society, women este girls (inside joke) do not have the right to their own opinions. you have to take in and follow everything that they say. i am bound to these rules while im still living in this household. the only way out is to move out, literally. and i dont have the moolah to make it happen! (maybe in 5 years or so or when i get married; whichever comes first)
2. i don't have an opinion. i just don't. may reklamo?
3. i don't like to argue. some people feel a kind of high when they fight for what they believe in. i do too, but i don't think i have to push my ideas. they have minds of their own. no need to convince them. i think everybody has a point.
4. sometimes it is better to just listen. you will learn a lot from other people. (actually this is just a tactic to hide the fact that you don't know a single thing about the discussion. better do this with accompanying hand-head gestures to make it more convincing.)
5. i am shy. i have this fear of speaking for myself. expressing myself. speaking in front of people. i still live in the closet. (why do you think i made this blog?)

anyways, i have one month to think things over and evaluate what my priorities are. plus, i have my whole life to make mistakes and correct them. i'll worry about them later. for now, back to my annual report....

...spend my life with you...

dahil malapit na ang valentine's, napaisip tuloy ako kung anong kanta ang gusto kong kantahin ng may ka-duet...
here it is! (Btw, if you want to hear it and sing with the lyrics, click this link http://www.angelfire.com/pop2/flp7/SpendMyLifeWithYou.html)

Spend my life with you

I never knew such a day could come
And I never knew such a love could be inside of one
And I never knew what my life was for
But now that you're here I know for sure

I never knew till I looked in your eyes
I was incomplete till the day you walked into my life
And I never knew that my heart could feel
So precious and pure
One love so real

Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me every night
Can we just feel this way together till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you

Now baby the days and the weeks and the years will roll by
But nothing will change the love inside of you and I
And baby I'll never find any words that could explain
Just how much my heart my life my soul you've changed

Can you run to these open arms when no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world I'm your woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you with one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you

No touch has ever felt so wonderful (You are incredible)
And a deeper love I've never known (I'll never let you go)
I swear this love is true (Now and forever to you to you)

Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me every night
Can we just feel this way together till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you
Can you run to these open arms when no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world you're my woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you with one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just spend my life with you (Forever here with you)
Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes

getting over...

i have decided to watch cinema paradiso today after hearing for the nth time how great a movie it was. it is!

one scene keeps playing over and over in my head...the scene where toto/salvatore was speaking to his mother. he was asking her why she never remarried even when his father died. she was young. she had her whole life ahead of her. and she answered by telling him how hard it is to be loyal. that being loyal means being alone....

it got me into thinking. am i really over him? over it? am i in this situation that i am in because i want to? or is something keeping me back? it's been almost a year now since the incident. i am still loveless. although there are the occasional suitors, love interests and what-have-yous...

i am not saying that i am not happy where i am. its just that sometimes (there are nights when you just can't sleep and somehow weird thoughts enter your mind at which point all you can do is surrender) i still think about what had happened and how it has affected the course of my life, how i now view things with wisdom that i have gained because of the experience, and how i now evaluate all consequences of any action i am about to take. i don't know if i'm really happy. i don't know if i am just pretending or i am saying it for real. one thing i know is that i am confused.

it's not that easy to get over somebody you've thought was your soulmate. the one person whom you've trusted with your deepest, darkest secrets. the person whom you allowed to know the real you...without the masks...without the shields that you usually put up to guard you from harm...

...isipin mo yung mga napapanood mong telenovela o pelikula...si kristine at si jericho (pangako sa'yo)...hindi ba inisip ng lahat na bagay na bagay sila? na malamang di na sila maghihiwalay. parang isinumpa na sila ang magkakatuluyan at magsasama hanggang sa dulo ng mundo...parang ganun yung pakiramdam ko, yung akala ko. sinabi ko nga sa sarili ko noon, ang galing ng Diyos...sa kalawakan ng mundo, nagkatagpo tayo sa iisang pamantasan, sa iisang organisasyon. sino bang mag-aakala na magiging tayo? eh hindi ba kinamumuhian natin ang isa't-isa? na tipong magkatinginan lang tayo eh kinikilabutan na tayo sa pandidiri? sinong mag-aakala na magiging malapit tayo? na isang araw magigising na lang tayo at bigla nating mararamdaman na mahal na pala natin ang isa't-isa. marami-rami din tayong pinagdaanan. nariyan ang mga nasaktang kaibigan...mga striktong magulang...mga pagsubok. sayang. natapos na ang bahagi ko sa buhay mo.

they say that finding someone new will help you ease the pain, help you forget and move on with your life. i believe that. but i also believe that you can never truly get over a person. that there will always be that special place in your heart for them because you shared a part of yourself, you've allowed that person to have a piece ...a piece of you.

...ang bilis mo naman makahanap ng kapalit ko. nagdusa ka ba nung naghiwalay tayo? naisip mo ba ako? kahit konti? may bahagi pa rin ba ako sa buhay mo tulad ng naging bahagi mo sa buhay ko? bakit parang ang dali para sa'yo? siguro nga dahil meron kang kasama na tumulong sa'yo makalimot...

i wish i hadn't made that promise years ago. i wish i could just forget the memories that i have cherished for so long. i wish it didn't end this way. i detest tragic endings. i have always been a believer of happy endings. maybe this is one of the reasons why i can't totally let go. a part of me still believes that there is hope. i'm not sure if that hope is for us, for our relationship. or for me...that i will find my "prince charming"...someday.



...is it better to have loved and lost when in the end, you've lost everything?

STARCITY

L-R: cla, loryet, lyka, and miracle joy

how many times will you get the chance to spend time with less priviledged people? had an awesome time with friends and street children at starcity last january 8. it looks like this will be a tradition for the years to come...

NEW LEARNING GROUP...guiller, ava, and kamille

NEW LEARNING GROUP too... mackie, adnan, miguel, and cla

new year...new me!

you know how everybody makes new year's resolution just because it's a new year? how you set unrealistic goals just so you can say something when somebody asks you what your resolutions are? ...like how i always say that i will gain at least 10 pounds this year (i have been saying this for eternity and look at my figure. if i will gain a pound for every year that i have resolved to do this and yet have not achieved it, i would have probably gained the 10 pounds by now.)

this year will be different. coz i am different. i am better than i was before! yep yep! i refuse to take anymore crap...from myself and from anybody else! i've had enough!

i will make a conscious effort in taking care of my body ...from testing PJ's out-of-this-world formulas (remind me to start with the calamansi-salt facial before doing anything drastic!) to getting health and beauty tips from Carmen (i will try to be kinder to animals by eating more of our green, leafy friends. animals=friends!) to Juli's erase all formulas (does this include erasing unwanted people in your life that increase your chances of getting grandma's wrinkles before you reach the age of 30? just wanted to ask)!

aba, gagandang babae na yata ako! sabi nga ni PJ "diyosa!"

i will be BOLD! yes, BOLD! i will try new things just for the sake of trying and enjoying myself. even if it means making a fool out of myself or living la vida loca! (shake that bonbon ricky!) everybody knows that i have been living a life of a saint (well not exactly but you know what i mean)

remind me to get the schedule for the MTV auditions...malay mo, stariray na pala ako!

i will learn new things...from books to people to experiences! i refuse to stagnate! i want to get the best of what life has to offer to me. now is the time to explore!

anybody want to take up dance lessons with me and PJ? bellydancing? Ü

HEY WORLD! HERE I COME!!!
...i hope you are ready for me...

new books!

i just recently read...parole chiave (key words) and letters from the closet. both books were lent to me by my new officemate/pal PJ. just wanted to remind myself what the titles were...