i have decided to watch cinema paradiso today after hearing for the nth time how great a movie it was. it is!
one scene keeps playing over and over in my head...the scene where toto/salvatore was speaking to his mother. he was asking her why she never remarried even when his father died. she was young. she had her whole life ahead of her. and she answered by telling him how hard it is to be loyal. that being loyal means being alone....
it got me into thinking. am i really over him? over it? am i in this situation that i am in because i want to? or is something keeping me back? it's been almost a year now since the incident. i am still loveless. although there are the occasional suitors, love interests and what-have-yous...
i am not saying that i am not happy where i am. its just that sometimes (there are nights when you just can't sleep and somehow weird thoughts enter your mind at which point all you can do is surrender) i still think about what had happened and how it has affected the course of my life, how i now view things with wisdom that i have gained because of the experience, and how i now evaluate all consequences of any action i am about to take. i don't know if i'm really happy. i don't know if i am just pretending or i am saying it for real. one thing i know is that i am confused.
it's not that easy to get over somebody you've thought was your soulmate. the one person whom you've trusted with your deepest, darkest secrets. the person whom you allowed to know the real you...without the masks...without the shields that you usually put up to guard you from harm...
...isipin mo yung mga napapanood mong telenovela o pelikula...si kristine at si jericho (pangako sa'yo)...hindi ba inisip ng lahat na bagay na bagay sila? na malamang di na sila maghihiwalay. parang isinumpa na sila ang magkakatuluyan at magsasama hanggang sa dulo ng mundo...parang ganun yung pakiramdam ko, yung akala ko. sinabi ko nga sa sarili ko noon, ang galing ng Diyos...sa kalawakan ng mundo, nagkatagpo tayo sa iisang pamantasan, sa iisang organisasyon. sino bang mag-aakala na magiging tayo? eh hindi ba kinamumuhian natin ang isa't-isa? na tipong magkatinginan lang tayo eh kinikilabutan na tayo sa pandidiri? sinong mag-aakala na magiging malapit tayo? na isang araw magigising na lang tayo at bigla nating mararamdaman na mahal na pala natin ang isa't-isa. marami-rami din tayong pinagdaanan. nariyan ang mga nasaktang kaibigan...mga striktong magulang...mga pagsubok. sayang. natapos na ang bahagi ko sa buhay mo.
they say that finding someone new will help you ease the pain, help you forget and move on with your life. i believe that. but i also believe that you can never truly get over a person. that there will always be that special place in your heart for them because you shared a part of yourself, you've allowed that person to have a piece ...a piece of you.
...ang bilis mo naman makahanap ng kapalit ko. nagdusa ka ba nung naghiwalay tayo? naisip mo ba ako? kahit konti? may bahagi pa rin ba ako sa buhay mo tulad ng naging bahagi mo sa buhay ko? bakit parang ang dali para sa'yo? siguro nga dahil meron kang kasama na tumulong sa'yo makalimot...
i wish i hadn't made that promise years ago. i wish i could just forget the memories that i have cherished for so long. i wish it didn't end this way. i detest tragic endings. i have always been a believer of happy endings. maybe this is one of the reasons why i can't totally let go. a part of me still believes that there is hope. i'm not sure if that hope is for us, for our relationship. or for me...that i will find my "prince charming"...someday.
...is it better to have loved and lost when in the end, you've lost everything?
I don’t know the answer to this question …but maybe an unsolicited opinion might shed some light. To love someone is to lose a part of yourself to that person. Maybe the whole point of loving someone is to stand to lose everything for the sake of gaining nothing but love itself. And after all has been said and done, when we have loved beyond what anybody could have asked for and have lost everything imaginable, have we indeed lost everything? Maybe. But I want to believe that loving a person has more meaning than that. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason however obscure that reason may be. Maybe. It is all about faith I guess. Faith that one day everything is going to be alright. Faith that life might soon reveal the reason for such loss. Faith that will move us to love and trust once again. It is may very well be true that we stand to lose a lot in loving someone dear. It happens more often than people think. But that really isn’t the point. To say to have lost everything is a completely different matter. There will be always be hope. There will always be a reason to love. There will always be strength left in our hearts to withstand the myriad of storms that await us tomorrow. ...is it better to have loved and lost when in the end, you've lost everything? I will have to say to have loved and lost is better than to live a life without reason to love again.
ReplyDeleteju is that you? well, whoever you are, thanks! i'll keep that in mind...
ReplyDeleteHey Cla, love is love... though it is also true, it's better to have love and lost... than not to have love at all dba? don't regret it, you havent lost everything... And if you ask me, what you lost is all for good riddance, hahahaha! bitter girl ba?! alam ko lahat, at tlg nasaktan ka... in my personal opinion, gago tlg cya! as in! Yes, things happen, and for some idiotic reason (dahil nga engot cya!)ay napamahal cya sa iba.. still, he could have handled it better. Talked it over decently like mature individuals who were once in love, hindi dba?! Anyways, it's not my place to put the blame...(though as your biased friend, i do, 100% blame him, haha!) I believe that time heals, and in no time, you'd be good as new, ready to love and be loved again... just when you're not thinking about it... you'll realize suddenly, you're there ; )
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
bitter sassy girl